We were talking about what a blessing it is to have children, to be mothers. I was so grateful to feel of their spirits and their faith.
And I shared with them, as is not uncommon for me, about how we have wanted more children but haven't been able to because of my health. (I don't feel like there is any benefit in holding that close to my chest -- I think we can benefit from sharing a little of our hearts and lives as women, and I also want people to know where my heart is on this. It pre-empts the comments like "Oh, yes, three is the new six.")
I still am mourning that reality. Tears were welling in my eyes as we talked. They were so kind and gentle and encouraging and I'm grateful. It's wonderful to me that perfect strangers can be such good sisters in a moment like that.
It's hard to have that ache and not be able to fill it.
I know it's not the same as infertility. I know I'm incredibly blessed to have the three I have. But that doesn't take away the reality of the longing I still feel.
I take comfort in this comment from Sister Beck. (Again, I know my situation is not the same as those couples who are infertile or those women who aren't yet married and have a double-whammy ache in their hearts. But this still helps my sometimes-aching heart.)
I know of many couples who desire to have children and aren’t given that blessing. Their challenge is the challenge of not having children, and we need to be listening and supportive and encouraging toward them. And I also believe that the desire to have children in the single sisters and in these couples probably won’t go away if they’re righteous, because that is a God-given desire. It speaks to their very natures and the training they received in the heavens. So that longing will not go away. But the Lord will bless them.
I know what you mean, Michelle. I can't quite feel justified, having four children, in mourning the fact that a hysterectomy stopped me from having the other two we had always planned on.
ReplyDeleteHow grateful I am for the four, and my daughter's infertility issues make me even more aware of that blessing. But I can't help wishing sometimes...
"That longing won't go away." I meet women of other faiths every day who marvel at my four and say, "I wish it was me. I always wanted more children."
ReplyDeleteSue, Janelle, thanks. I know there are other women out there who struggle with this, too, and I'm grateful for kind friends like you.
ReplyDeleteToday's Gift, I'm sorry about what you are going through. It's a real sense of loss that comes, but it's such a blessing to have the knowledge of God's eternal plan, isn't it?
Thanks so much for stopping by.