I have watched the equal pay conversation for a long time. I'm no expert, but it's an issue that has interested me, because I'm interested in "women's issues."
New Zealand is taking this issue by the horns, passing legislation toward more equal pay. I recently saw someone comment on how this is an example of why we need women in government.
I'm not arguing against the value of having women in government, but I think it's hyper-simplistic both to think that policy is the answer to the equal pay issue, or that women only in government can influence this issue.
True culture change involves changes throughout systems, in all sectors, at all levels. And throwing a policy change over the wall leaves companies in a hard place.
A policy change doesn't magically give companies more money, after building business models that are admittedly less-than-ideal by often not budgeting for equal pay for men and women. But the issue there is not first the money, it's first the mindset -- the lens, the perspective.
When my kids were small, it hit me that we were willing to pay a young man a certain amount for yard work but only paid babysitters a pittance to care for the most important part of our lives. This was quite shocking to come to realize.
But that experience, at that small scale, also gave me appreciation for the fact that most systems are not currently set up to make significant budget changes. When my kids were little, we *couldn't* pay babysitters per hour as much as we paid for yard work, because the former required more time and our budget was very, very tight there for a while. So I had to sit in the inequality for a while until our budget freed up, and then I tried to make changes in our choices so as to reflect more equality and more of what we valued.
Still, the awareness -- coming awake to the faulty layers under our budget/expense choices -- laid the foundation for changes I made later in how I approached things as our budget freed up.
If we want to equalize pay for women, the money has to be taken from somewhere else but budgets are usually very tight and set around traditional ways of doing things. (That's a whole other topic. COVID has revealed how overextended most business models are. Too many businesses plan for the very edge of their hoped-for income, rather than building models that are modest, less built around debt, and more respectful of the limits of human resources.)
I don't see people talking about this in a practical sense. A government making a decision that pay for a certain field must go up doesn't connect to, "OK, where is that money going to come from?"
In my view, those best poised to make more immediate change in culture are first parents -- who can be sure that their own lenses at home are not somehow creating false inequalities in their homes. Children can also be taught to seek training and education that will help them be prepared to contribute well to their workplaces, and can be taught things like negotiation skills.
Women and men in the business world, especially those who are starting out as leaders in innovative companies and other organizations, can establish models, budgets, and plans that embed equality into their structures from the get-go (without imposing it, meaning not all companies are going to have equal numbers of men and women because not all women will be seeking full-time work, and that needs to be valued, too).
Educators can help teach simple principles of equality so that as students are trained in things like financial management, business, etc. they can be aware of the need for equal pay.
It doesn't make sense to me to punish existing companies as New Zealand seems to be proposing. Making legal claims against a company may only hinder that company's ability to pay. I think there are better ways we could bring cultural change. They will take longer, perhaps, but the best change is patient, not choosing expediency over paying the price for the kinds of perspective and systems changes that are needed for change to stick.
They need time to make changes to policies, budgets, cost models, etc. And we have to also realize that such demands may make the cost of consumer goods go up. Nothing comes without impacting other parts of the system.
My last thought is that women can change culture in how we teach at home, in schools, etc. as well -- in places where women have traditionally more influence. I hope we never lose site of how important women are to families first and foremost. Yes, we need the voices of women in other places, but true impact can't be measured without considering what strong homes do for society.
Beyond that, where women are in other spheres, they can also have an impact. Women in business can patiently share their voices. I think in particular of women in smaller companies where decisions are being made from the get-go and the ground up. It's easier to establish good policy than to try to change it in already-established systems. Equal pay for women is a great objective.
Women in government is a great objective (although, again, I'm not one for forcing quotas of equal women as full-time workers, as society needs our homes to be strong, and that can often include having one parent working less than the other), but let's not wait for policy changes or more female governmental leaders to start first to look at our own assumptions in our own little worlds, and to also encourage and engage in teaching practical principles.
We can do this without playing the "women as victim" card which often is associated with activism for gender equality. Women, right now, can have an influence in the larger culture simply by taking a look at how and where they can raise awareness of when and where inequalities exist -- within their own spheres of influence. Cultural change can be influenced in all sectors, and women have lots of influence. We can teach simple principles of what makes sense (equal pay makes sense at the basic level), and look for biases in our own living. But let's do it all with wisdom and order and patience and grace. Change takes time.
I recently found the notes from a panel presentation from 2010. This was for a BYU Women's Services conference exploring women and the challenges of navigating decision-making during the critical (and often stressful) young adult years.
For personal history purposes, I wanted to record this here, especially since my children are all currently living in the "decade of decision" [an Elder Hales phrase]. Truth be told, these principles are true for all of us, regardless of the phase of life we are in!
This conference was held in 2010. There were two different sessions and each session included four panelists. Panelists were chosen specifically to show the wide variety of ways a woman's life can unfold. It was an awesome conference and I loved working with BYU Women's Services to plan it. (Helping support female students at BYU was part of my charge as a member of the BYU Marriott School Undergraduate Management Advisory Board.)
The conference was entitled, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" Hat tip, of course, to Dr. Seuss.
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I have three points I would like to share, using this fun and quite insightful book from Dr. Seuss. [Isn't it awesome how many ways true principles can show up? Just shows how merciful God is to teach truth as often as He can, through as many people as He can.]
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.
I will take minor issue w/ Dr. Seuss here. The truth is, we know what we know, but what we know is often insufficient to make all the significant life decisions we face. Fortunately...
We are not alone in making decisions
Elder Scott: "I know that each one of you faces overwhelming challenges [I will add decisions]. Sometimes they are so concentrated, so unrelenting, that you may feel they are beyond your capacity to control. [Have you ever felt the press of too. many. decisions. facing you all at once?]
Don’t face the world alone. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). (Richard G. Scott, Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy (2007), 248–49.)
There were many times in my college experience, either in making decisions about classes, my major, or dating relationships, that I realized how very little I knew about what I should do. I often felt this way and perhaps you can relate a little:
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up her mind.
I have a belief that the Lord can't direct us unless we are moving our feet. Sometimes I felt like I was walking blindly, and sometimes the dark, unmarked streets lasted longer than I would have hoped, but in the end, answers came when they needed to come.
Answers weren't always what I thought they were going to be. It took me what felt like forever to decide on a major. And the one major I had deliberately ruled out ended up being the focus I felt impressed to chose for my Master's Degree! When I took my “I've decided not to serve a mission, is that ok?” to the Lord, I got my answer, and my papers were in two weeks later! When I pleaded with God to let me marry the wonderful young man I dated after my mission...when he proposed, I could not say yes. (This actually happened a few times before the right time and person came along.)
When I thought about moving from NJ – a state w/ NO single's ward AT ALL – to a place w/ many singles, I felt to stay in New Jersey. I met my husband while living there. I met him at a time I didn't think I was ready for another relationship, but it just felt right to move forward. [I'd had many experiences with what a no felt like in my over 10 years of dating.] We had three children quickly, which was a surprise, but I realized later God's mercy and wisdom in this because of health problems that came shortly after our third was born.
You just never know the places you'll go! Let God help you figure out where you should be going. He can help you experience things that will be beyond what you could have planned for yourself, alone.
Speaking of the word alone, I have something to say about that. So does Dr. Seuss. Which leads to point #2.
You're going to feel scared sometimes, but “Don't worry, don't stew”
[W]hen you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
I spent a good chunk of my young adult years single. It was not easy to be alone. But even after marriage and motherhood blessed my life, there still have been times when I have felt alone and overwhelmed by the challenges that have come my way. For example, chronic illness [now going on 18 years] altered my life significantly, and the accompanying heartache of not feeling right about having more children was something that took me years to come to peace with.
Have you ever considered that blessings and opportunities can also be sources of overwhelm? I'll never forget, for example, how terrified I was when I looked at that pregnancy test that confirmed that I would finally become a mother. [And while being a mother has stretched me beyond anything I have experienced, I cannot adequately express what being a mother means to me. For some, being a mother may be their greatest heartache. And for others, the heartache of not having children may never fully go away in this life. [See the link to the Worldwide Leadership Broadcast below. Julie Beck had something beautiful to say about that divine desire.]
Over time, I have come to realize that both the opportunities and the undesired challenges all can be tremendous blessings. If we embrace our journey, the hard and the great, we embrace the opportunity to continue to learn – not just through formal learning, but the life-changing learning that comes through personal experience, walking in faith, and experiencing triumph over trials. [If you want some excellent free therapy along these lines, I recommend searching for Craig Berthold's podcast. Actually, his daughter is the host of the podcast, called "The Full Cup."** Craig is a therapist, and this is her daughter's way of allowing her dad to share his professional insights [and personal faith journey] -- all about letting life's stuff all be turned to wisdom. Just as a note, his style is not, shall we say, General Conference-esque, but I can guarantee some transcendent moments if you let the principles he teaches distill. It's recommended to listen to the episodes in order. They build off each other. Craig's daughter, Rachel (also a therapist) is interviewed on a few episodes, and her insights are also awesome.]
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too!
Fear and faith (and fear and contentment) cannot easily coexist. [Sometimes we feel fear even though we are fostering faith, but our brains can't really do both at once.] Watch for fear in your life – either when hard things happen, or when good things do! – and practice replacing that with faith, confidence, hope, and a continued effort to move forward. ["Faith is action, not prediction." I thought I needed to reference that quote I have on my mirror, but the post that prompted me writing that down only contains "faith is action." Apparently it was the setting of the story that prompted the mirror quote. Still, this story is a powerful example of letting go and walking by faith, so I'm sharing the link.]
My last point relates to another stanza from Dr. Seuss.
The "Great Balancing Act" [Dr. Jeff Hill (family friend and BYU professor) would reframe this as the quest for Life Harmony.]
So be sure when you step to step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
Right now, most of you are trying to figure out how to balance all the demands on your time and attention, on your heart and your life. You are trying to balance prioirities between all we are taught that matters. Home, church, family, education, wholesome recreation – it all matters. [In truth, we are all always trying to figure this out. That never changes.] No one can figure out your formula for balance but you.* And the balance can change even from day to day. [My college roommate used to quip that we should just be sure we aren't repeatedly dropping the same ball. Obviously, it's more nuanced than that, and a lot more Spirit-led than that, but her thought helped me get more centered while I was stressing out about the dropped balls in my life.]
Through this BYU Women's Services conference [or by asking lots of people questions about their life stories] we hope you can see there are many ways your life can unfold.
Sister Beck said this in a Worldwide leadership broadcast in 2008, when talking about the balance of family and church service (and I think this can apply with any of the things we are talking about – balance of family, church, education, service, and personal development):
I would never want to say that it’s either...or. It has to be a...unity of what we commit to the Lord to help build His kingdom and what we’ve committed to build a family. They go together. It’s not one or the other.
[See also this article about a talk given by Sister Mary N. Cook about how education can help us help the Lord build His kingdom.]
Here are some related thoughts from Sister Tanner (from the same broadcast) that have stuck with me over the years:
"I remember [as a young adult] hearing [prophets and apostles] preach that we were to get married, to have children, and to get an education, sort of all simultaneously, as impossible as it sounds. And I think that maybe it does seem sort of impossible and that we have people who question and wonder about that. ...I believe that it requires of us great faith and great courage and often great sacrifice. I think [doing what is right, in accordance with God's plan and prophetic counsel] requires us to be in tune with the Lord to receive personal revelation..., and I think it requires a pure heart so that we are not judgmental of other people who are exercising their faith and having their own personal revelation."
Leave space for all that we are taught is important, and God will help you know how to balance it all through every stage of your life. And know without question that Christ will cover and consecreate the messiness of the process and the good desires of your hearts.
And, as Dr. Seuss says:
Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!
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*That can sometimes feel really lonely, but it's also awesome because, as therapist Craig Berthold discusses, if we take responsibility for our lives, we get to also take the wisdom from doing so.
**The symbolism of the podcast name is wonderful, but I wouldn't recommend searching on the podcast's name or you may spend the next week or so trying to telling your social media ad feed that you really aren't interested in all the bra shopping. It took me a while to figure out what on earth was going on in my Facebook feed. If you are wondering why on earth that happens, I recommend watching The Social Dilemma. And now you know that I've added some notes to this post, post-postdate. The original post was an unformatted mess. (Blogger is not my favorite, for the record.)
Earlier this year, one of the words I was given for the year was, well, words. But in the chaos of working full time and then quitting my job cold turkey to focus at home as COVID-19 altered our world, I have struggled to write. I've done some scribbly journal entries and voice-activated emails to myself to try to record things, but I've not had the time or mental/emotional/spiritual capacity to sit down and WRITE.
People talk about all that COVID has brought to their lives, like the gift of slowing down (uh, no, not for me, it just changed what I was working on in a still-frantic pace...or better said, it left my brain working at an even MORE frantic pace). For me, the pandemic has brought the gift of pain and really hard stuff. Until two days ago, I felt like God was just being cruel to us all. But a dear friend helped me see at least my situation differently. For me, this time has made things break apart enough that I can start to see more of the pieces of my puzzle that have been buried under layers of #allthethings.
In the midst of all of this, George Floyd died and the internet (and many real-life spaces) erupted. Lots of pain has been buried for lots of years/decades/generations/centuries and it has exploded. I had just been taking a break from Facebook because I felt like Facebook was becoming my conscience. And that's not a good situation for me.
I also was realizing how often I let other people be my conscience. How I let my desire to help people and "keep people happy" can interfere with my own connection with myself and God. It's not that what others are asking for is wrong, it's just that it may not be the right thing for me to do at that moment. (Or it may just not be right for me to do at all because God has something else for me to do.)
I was taking a day off from my usual routine to listen to an audiobook just for me, and to try to do whatever the next right thing felt like while I was listening. My brain needed a break from all the to-dos swirling around me from both inside my little life and outside in the big bad world.
Or so I thought. Those worlds ended up colliding. And I felt like writing. (I've been feeling the pull to write more, not just think, so I sat down and started to write. For whatever reason, I decided to write on Facebook, even though I'd been feeling like I need to do less social media, in part for reasons described below, but also because I just need more time and space to focus on my health and family's needs.)
But here is what I wrote:
Two ideas connected for me today. (Actually, when all was said and done, it was more than two. 🙂 Maybe this connection won't resonate with you, and I'm just sharing to share, not to debate. Sometimes I come to FB to record things for my own history (and for my kids to have a simplified place to know a little of what makes their mom tick). It is also a way for me to create a mini book of remembrance that I can look back to during times when things get fuzzy and hard. And truth be told, the last few months have been full of fuzzy and hard for me, but yesterday I had a bit of clarity. And so I write.
One aha was very personal but may most easily be reflected in a quote from Arthur Henry King, a British academic, poet, writer, teacher. It's an idea that has echoes in many other writings I have encountered over the past several years in my personal study, but his is my quote of choice for tonight.
"One of the mistakes we make over and over again in life is to go directly for the things we think are important. But if we aim at self-fulfillment, we shall never be fulfilled. If we aim at education, we shall never become educated. If we aim at salvation, we shall never be saved. These things are indirect, supreme results of doing something else, and that something else is...trying to do the right thing, the thing that needs to be done at each moment." [Arthur Henry King, Arm the Children: Faith’s Response to a Violent World, (Provo, Utah: BYU Studies, 1998), 265.]
I realized yesterday that in an important area of my life, I've been trying to go directly for fixing a thing, or thinking that such a direct focus was the solution. I did that in part because I felt pressure from my outside world to fix this thing.
But not only was that not working, it was pulling me into a dark abyss of hopelessness that was impacting *every* element of my life negatively, including impacting all those who are negatively impacted by this thing they want to have fixed. The more I tried to perform to others' expectations for my 'shoulds' the more despairing I became.
Here's thought #2. In a particular chapter of a book a friend recommended, Glennon Melton is talking about racism. I wouldn't expect Glennon to necessarily agree with the connected ideas I emerge with here, at least not as they might relate to the specific quest to eliminate racism, and yet I think what I share here reflects the heart of what she's getting at in her book. At least the heart of what I feel from it. So I hope she would forgive me if this particular post feels to wrest her ideas a bit away from what she might have been wanting to communicate about racism per se in this particular chapter.
As a little context, Glennon has a remarkable story about recovering from years and years of addiction that started in childhood, so in her books, she will sometimes talk in the language of recovery, a language that means a lot to me personally because 12 steps have been part of my language of finding God more fully in my life.
Such is the case in this chapter.
She starts by sharing about the perky optimism she first felt when headlines of immigrant children being separated from their parents was hitting headlines. [As a side note, I am not a Trump fan (didn't vote for him, cannot vote for him), but I think it's important to note that this kind of thing was happening before it hit the headlines; the problems with immigration predate our current president.
Which underscores my point to a degree, actually, even though I wasn't originally going to say anything about immigration or President Trump. Read on, please, for my point.]
Glennon told her friend something to the effect of "Maybe this is our rock bottom moment as a nation. Maybe now people will be able to see how our power systems are broken and we will all be able to see those problems and it will all be FIXED."
And then she catches herself with the sobering truth.
Now I quote her directly.
"Sick systems are made up of sick people," she says. "People like me," she confesses. [This AS she is talking about the problem of racism in our nation.] "In order [for the system around racism etc. to get] healthy, everybody has to stay in the room and turn themselves inside-out. No family recovers until each member recovers." [From the chapter called "Racists" in her book, _Untamed._]
What struck me in the collision of these two ideas is that perhaps in order for our "family" -- our nation, our world, our shared humanity that is so divided in so many ways -- to heal, each of us has the responsibility to do the hard work of turning ourselves inside-out.
But I think that needs to be not just about racism. That's where King's thoughts come into play for me.
If you know anything about recovery processes, what one person in a family needs healing from may differ greatly from what another family member needs, even though they (we) also have a *shared* experience of collective, systemic pain.
I don't share these thoughts because I think racism is not a huge problem, just as King was not saying that education or salvation are not unbelievably important ends to care about. He was clearly saying the opposite. These things MATTER. But how we GET to what we care about may be about much more than aiming directly for that thing.
I believe there are so many elements of what needs to be healed **in each of us** for the whole of our collective family to be more whole. People who are striving to be more whole individually are more able to see others more as whole people instead of ___________ (fill in the boxes we use for each other, all. the. time) When we slice and dice and fragment others, it is likely a reflection of fragmentation within ourselves. Hurt people hurt people. That isn't a shame statement. It's just a human reality.
One of the downsides to me of social media is that every idea is communicated as being THE MOST IMPORTANT IDEA THAT ALL OF US MUST DROP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW TO FIX RIGHT NOW. But there is no way social media can know what *each individual's* "next right thing" is. That doesn't negate the importance of whatever is in the headlines (!!) and yet also respects that each life is so complex in and of itself -- and each individual has to answer for what is done with that life.
Besides, these kinds of systemic problems are not fixed in a day or a week or a year or even a decade. True cultural change takes time, and more importantly, it takes changes of heart -- something that can't be demanded or legislated.
I'm not saying letters and posts and legislation aren't part of solutions along the way. [The democratic process MATTERS -- but if that is true, that also means that there will be different opinions about what "should" be done.] If those kinds of things alone could have solved our problems, they would have done so a long time ago.
And most important, I think, is that the only change of heart that is true is chosen, offered, and *experienced* through the hard work of looking inward and upward, not sideways. As such, as important as fixing racism is, I don't think we can *demand* that we answer to each other about this, even as we *are* responsible to each other as humans. But that responsibility to each other has to start with responsibility to ourselves. This is counterintuitive but I think it's true.
I think the best service we can offer our world is first to look inward and be sure that whatever we are doing is truly what is RIGHT as our next right thing. That is integrity. We have to learn to answer to our own conscience, and when we do that with integrity, that frees us to be more able to help others, however our inner compass guides us to do so (again, not based on what others say we should do, no matter how noble the cause).
And we will be more free to see others as whole people *because we aren't at war with ourselves as individuals* if we are striving to live in integrity. It's easy to be at war with ourselves unwittingly when we don't plug into whatever our inner compass is saying, or seeking to discover what our inner wounds or stories might be distorting. But again, taking the current issue as an example, those inner reflections someone might engage in may have nothing directly to do with racism. They might in some ways, but they might not.
Said another way, we can't help and see each other when we are living in self-protection, and we are living in self-protection if we aren't creating the stillness and space in our own lives to do the honest inner work of asking, "What is MY next right thing? What is MY responsibility and my capacity saying I can/should do at this moment?" The answer to that question may or may not have anything directly to do with the headlines, but will have everything to do with us being able to bring more of our peaceful selves back into our spheres and thus back into the human family.
To illustrate:
-->If a human -- black or brown or white -- for example, is simply trying to figure out where their next meal is coming from, their right next thing may simply be to focus all that they have on caring for their family.
-->Two days ago, I watched a video of a white young woman portraying what it is like to deal with depression, an eating disorder, and suicidal ideation. For that young person, her right next thing may not be fighting for racial equality today but simply trusting her process, so she can find her next right thing so that she can come to believe that the earth *really is* better with her in it. [If you deal with suicidal ideation, please know that the world IS BETTER WITH YOU IN IT.] If she trusts her process, maybe someday in the future she can pick up the torch *she* feels inspired to pick up, in the right time and way that matches with where her life and mission and conscience are calling her. (Or maybe by being in her process, she's already picking up the right torch for her, with real people on the other end needing what she in her own lived experience has to offer.) I mean, she felt brave enough to make a public video about mental illness, eating disorders, and suicidal ideation. Important stuff in its own right. Lives at stake there, too.
-->If a woman (or a man) is trying to recover from the effects of childhood sexual abuse, she or he may not have the capacity to write their congressmen about police reform right now. AND THAT IS OKAY.
And other people's next right things may not be as drastic as these examples (which I use obviously to make a point) -- but are no less important. Because again, we can't be fully present for others if we aren't present with ourselves and our own process and inner compass, even in the little things. [Someone commented on my post about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which definitely impacts our ability to think outside of our own lives. That said, it won't only be when you are at the place of taking care of basic needs that you may feel guided to do something different than directly working on whatever is pressing in the press at any moment.]
In years of studying about and testing and observing principles of healing, this idea of doing your own work (whatever that next right thing is) = the best thing we can each do for others and the world shows up repeatedly. Somehow it works that the more we are honest with our own processes, the more we can bring more peace and humanity back into our spheres, and thus, the more peace can ripple out -- often in indirect ways we cannot even imagine.
I forget this too often. I find my energy being fragmented in ways that leave me trying to prove to everyone else that I care about what everyone else says I should care about (which are things I DO care about), or what the narratives from my life story say I should care about...instead of actually getting still enough to hear what my next right thing ACTUALLY should be.
I think this is just a true law of the universe. If we seek to develop self-awareness and self-honesty and then take action on what our deepest inner voice says "this is your next right thing" (no matter how simple, how hard, how different, how similar, how popular, how unpopular that next right thing may be), what can come out of that process is more peace, and that peace will trickle out, ripple out, maybe even pour out. It may or may not be in ways that are visible to journalists or social media mavericks, but it WILL be noticed by God and the energy WILL have an impact. When we act in integrity to the best of our knowledge to the truth of our deepest inner light, good will come of it. And then -- and I think only then -- forward motion can happen individually and collectively.
I believe the flip side is also true. If we don't act in integrity to our own process, we will surely end up hurting others sideways and/or, or more directly and more starkly, because something in us always knows when we are not acting true to our inner self, *even when we aren't ready or even able to see that yet.*
In short, I worry greatly about racism. AND I worry about media and social media that *demand* that each of us show up in certain ways in order to fix the problem.
And I take it a step further to ask: What if racism won't be healed by talking only about racism? I'm not saying that talking isn't part of it!! But I truly believe that racism is a symptom. Just as I believe so many other injustices and inhumane and unfathomable acts are also reflection as symptoms of deeper issues - things that are more universal than we often like to admit, things that come with the struggles of being human.
What if we, collectively, will best be healed as we, individually, each work to get real with what is wounded within us, and each learn/practice getting still so that our next right thing is driven by the light within and not the energy without (or the false voices within)? We can choose to bring inputs from without into our process, but they shouldn't wholly define how we spend our time and energy.
I post for myself, because I am so prone to picking up everyone else's banner or needs even when my life may be telling me I need to use my very limited energy elsewhere. Whitney Johnson, disruption guru, says this: "We prune to get the sweetest fruit from the peach tree, we put cages around tomatoes so they have something to climb - all things that grow need constraints to focus their energy in a direction that is productive." Rather than seeing our limitations as something to apologize for, we can lean into them and trust that they can help open up our next right things to make progress and help the world be better.)
And perhaps this post can be helpful for others who are feeling fragmented by all of the demands of our too-splintered world. "My life cannot implement in action the demands of all the people to whom my heart responds," Anne Morrow Lindbergh says, in her book, _Gifts from the Sea._
So what is your heart telling you you should do, right now?
I believe that King is right. And that Glennon is right. And that so many thought leaders who talk about taking action toward personal inner peace and integrity and honesty are right. World peace starts with personal peace and awareness of personal limitations and using agency honestly and wisely. Just as we can't just throw money at every cause that crosses our social media feed, it may not be right to put our time and energy into every cause that crosses our feed as people may demand that we do **no matter how important that cause may be.**
Acting in integrity is key to what heals hearts. And healed hearts are the essence of a healed family, whether it be our own little families or, in this case of all that is in the headlines, our national and world families.
So here's my challenge to myself and to you, if you are still reading: Do YOUR next right thing. Trust that good is in that act, and that good will ripple out from that personal movement, no matter how small or insignificant such action may feel. (And sometimes such action will also be the hardest thing you have ever done! Just because it's about bringing it back home does NOT mean it is an easier road. In fact, it may be easier to march or write a letter but harder to look inside, whatever that may mean, to what really needs to be done next to make this world a more peaceful place, starting with peace within.)
Be answerable to your inner compass and let that be enough, from moment to moment. And trust that the universe can magnify such acts. I believe in a universe (for me, that is God) who does just that.
And I believe we need His help for that deeper kind of healing that cannot be demanded of each other. It can only be found when we do the *individual* work of going in and seeing what is there, and trusting our next right steps all along the way.
[and sorry for being repetitive. I'm sorting thoughts as I write, not writing for edited perfection. :)]
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Many people commented, and shared some other great thoughts, some of which I will include below. Since I don't have permission to share publicly, I'll only share general ideas and specific quotes that can be found elsewhere.
- the idea that emotional awareness helps us make rational decisions -- emotions are input for the output of deciding what our next right thing should be. Slowing down is essential to plug into what our emotions are telling us [and thoughts/beliefs also drive emotions, which is part of the power of the process of self-reflection -- when we get to the level of thoughts/beliefs, we can find CHANGE and HEALING. And that can make a difference in our little worlds, which makes a difference in the larger world. Any one person healing means more healing light and love can flow out to more people in that person's sphere.]
Brandon Sanderson:
"Emotions are like messages to ourselves that can hold info about what the next right thing could be for us as an individual. Then use our rational mind to decide how to care for ourselves. This being human thing can get messy. Slowing down helps it all settle into place with peace."
S'more comments from me in the thread:
A collective impact expert named John Kania once said this at a conference I attended. One of the commenters shared how me sharing that concept has helped her just do what she can in her sphere, what she feels impressed to do, and allow others the same privilege. "Go where the energy is." A translation of that concept is on my fridge: EMPOWER WHAT WORKS.
As hard as it is to accept, I don't think we make people repent. People choose to repent. I think we have to respect agency and let God work in His time and way on people. God has never had any problem letting people make mistakes for generations (not that He doesn't CARE about it, but that His plan is centered on agency and that has a high cost, to be sure. But the price has already been paid! He clearly takes the long view on things). When the student is ready, the teacher (the Teacher) appears.
Also, I think nothing motivates people to *consider* change more than love. Consider Doctrine and Covenants 121. I thought of that last night when I was commenting somewhere else but tonite I pulled out the text and read it again. Wow. Yeah, I think if there is any hope of influencing people toward true repentance -- the kind led by God, not by us -- these are the principles we have to live by. Exasperation and frustration or even deep concern about what is *wrong* (e.g., generational patterns being perpetuated) likely just gets the opposite result.
The Serenity Prayer reminds us that we take the sinful world as it is, like Jesus did, and try to do OUR own surrender process, personally, with God, trusting in the promise of a better world. Surrendering includes, I think, surrender other people's stuff and letting that be God's to handle.
This is not saying we live lives of inaction, but rather of inspiration. I think most of the time, when we want to get someone else to repent, that is *our* will in action, because we are trying to wrest a certain outcome out of another. But we have no idea where someone else actually is in their process (either that, or what we are observing can give us information about where they are, even if it is not where we wish they were). But God's way is that we can't force someone to be where they are not. I mean, I hardly know where *I* am in my process and what my right next steps should be. How on earth can I know what someone else's life should look like? :) [Not that I don't get stuck in thinking I know what others should do, because I do. As I have said elsewhere, I am writing in large measure because I really want these principles to stick in my cells and synapses more. It's just so easy to have so many opinions about what others should do, but really, is that any of my business?]
Have you ever read Byron Katie? She has some interesting thoughts about this that at first kind of messed with my head, but to boil it down (as I understand it), her whole point is that if someone "should" be doing something, they already *would* be doing it. When we get wrapped up in thinking about what someone "should" be doing, we are taking on an all-knowing role that we don't have knowledge to do. And when we play that role, we just make our own lives miserable, tend to treat others poorly, and have less ability to be clear about what our own right next steps should be.
Her thoughts also align with 12-step ideas like "You are right where you need to be" and "Everything is on schedule." Well, if that is true for me and my messy process, that has to be true for others, too, because God is no respecter of persons. He isn't going to give *me* space and time (thanks to Jesus, He does!) to figure things out (even though sometimes I'm SO SLOW in my process and progress) but then expect someone to just respond to the snap of my finger when I think they should change (which I can be prone to do). This is hard doctrine, but I think it's true and in the end makes life easier, lighter, more peaceful. And if we are more peaceful, then we have more of a possibility to have influence because peace itself is a powerful force...it channels something beyond ourselves, even God..."without compulsory means."
I think when we have knowledge of truth, we first act on it simply to act in integrity to our own conscience. We may also decide to share what we feel and believe, but then we surrender the outcomes.
Agency is the most important gift we have been given in this life, and to practice respecting it for others I think is one of the greatest tests of life. (Cells? Synapses of mine? Are you listening?....)
That idea of me wanting to retrain my brain more toward these principles reminds me of a quote I found in my journal last night. When I went to look it up just now, I didn't remember that it channeled the Serenity Prayer so closely, but I shouldn't be surprised because this message is hitting me in multiple ways right now. This is from Wayne Dyer (from a webinar I listened to a while back, so there are a couple of layers of witnesses to this idea): "Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be." And here's another: "direct [my] thoughts away from [the one doing harm] and toward the actions [I] must take now to be more empowered.]" Next right thing. Just do the next right thing for YOU and let others figure out their next right things. [Cells? Synapses? I'm talking to you again!] This is all so much easier said than done. So counterintuitive, even. But I believe it is truth.
I'm reading a book called A Thomas Jefferson Education. This is a book I should have read nine years ago when my first child was going to enter the charter school from which my last child just graduated. But, as the saying goes, better late than never, right?
In fact, in some ways, I think that reading the book after watching the impact of a classical, mentor-led, Socratic-discussion-driven education on my children is not necessarily a bad thing. I am not just learning the philosophy of a classical education in theory. I've seen it in practice and now have context, which I hope can help the theory to stick. And even though I do have regrets about not understanding this perspective when my children were younger, the principles within are ones I can still benefit from in my own life and use as the next generation of our family begins to emerge.
During all the efforts to try to help people "get" the reality of racism, I'm seeing a lot of disheartening unkindness being shown, mostly white-to-white. I understand why this is happening; when you feel strongly about something and others don't pick up your torch and carry it forward, or even try to snuff it out, that can be extremely frustrating. And some are asking, "OK, how do I get someone to get it?" One person in a group I'm in asked this question. This person is a teacher. Some of what I am learning from the aforementioned book came to mind. And some thoughts I've been having about how I deal with my own passions and frustrations is influencing my writing a lot, too. I am often one of those people who just wants others to "get it" instead of taking lots of steps back to consider how God works with me and what true principles show up in so many places.
Here are two different comments I wrote, edited for blog use. I'm writing right now because some concepts are getting clearer for me and I want to remember them first for myself.
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As a teacher, when a student doesn't understand something, do you label that student as ignorant, blind, clueless, or crazy? If there is ignorance, start first with seeking to understand so that you can meet the person where she is. You can't teach if you don't know where a person is. And you can't teach if you box someone in or label them or call them names. (e.g., I'm seeing people say things like, "Let me guess. That's an ignorant white woman who said that, right?")
If white people are the people who need to learn about why racism is a problem, then people trying to influence them/us need to actually care about them/us too, and try to meet them/us where they/we are, not yell at them/us for not "getting it" yet or not "doing it right."
I am seeing a lot of unkind things being said on the internet right now. It's disheartening. If you believe you are on the higher road then LIFT people there. Elevate the conversation. Gently educate. Find out where people are and why they are sharing things like this. Look for the patterns in where people are and what this may be about. If there is ignorance, care and teach, rather than tear down and criticize.
I think it's important to remember that this kind of change is not going to happen in memes and likely not going to happen on social media. People need to know they are safe and cared for if they are going to be able to hear something really different from where they are. Think of a time when you had a change of mind or heart about something significant. Usually these things take a lot of time and many experiences and bumping up against trustworthy people talking in clear and accessible and kind ways to help make true ideas more accessible and having God do His wonderful work in His time and way. Is He guiding you to be an instrument to try to influence this person in particular? If so, what does He guide you to say? If it's just a generic person to you, maybe it's not worth the effort. Or maybe you can formulate your own gentle but clear post about why a meme like this concerns you and then let people who are ready for it find it and mull over it. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Students are what drive learning, not teachers. [That's something I have learned in reading A Thomas Jefferson Education.) Mentors make learning exciting and fulfilling, in a safe place where it's okay to make mistakes and explore ideas and to sometimes not have it all figured out yet.
And truth that is shared with light will resonate with people who are ready for it.
But I honestly think a lot of people are feeling more heat than light and so memes that frustrate anti-racists are going to seem to make sense of what they are feeling. It seems counterintuitive, but I think if there is any hope of influencing people, you have to start with an increase of love and everything else that Doctrine and Covenants 121 talks about. NO influence comes from exasperated frustration or condescending eye rolling. Easier said than done. It's the nature and disposition of almost all of us to go for force rather than gentle persuasion. And it doesn't work -- and likely produces the opposite effect. I'm seeing the reality of this sad but powerful truth in another critical situation in my life and it is sobering me, so I'm writing for myself not just to respond to you. I get so exasperated, but the more exasperation I show, the more I get less of what I hope for in terms of movement and progress and communication.
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As hard as it is to accept, I don't think we make people repent. People choose to repent. I think we have to respect agency and let God work in His time and way on people. God has never had any problem letting people make mistakes for generations (not that He doesn't CARE about it, but that His plan is centered on agency and that has a high cost, to be sure. But the price has already been paid! He clearly takes the long view on things). When the student is ready, the teacher (the Teacher) appears.
Also, I think nothing motivates people to *consider* change more than love. Consider Doctrine and Covenants 121. I thought of that last night when I was commenting somewhere else but tonite I pulled out the text and read it again. Wow. Yeah, I think if there is any hope of influencing people toward true repentance -- the kind led by God, not by us -- these are the principles we have to live by. Exasperation and frustration or even deep concern about what is *wrong* (e.g., generational patterns being perpetuated) likely just gets the opposite result.
The Serenity Prayer reminds us that we take the sinful world as it is, like Jesus did, and try to do OUR own surrender process, personally, with God, trusting in the promise of a better world. Surrendering includes, I think, surrendering other people's stuff and letting that be God's to handle.
This is not saying we live lives of inaction, but rather of inspiration. I think most of the time, when we want to "help" someone else repent, that is *our* will in action, because we are trying to wrest a certain outcome out of another. But we have no idea where someone else actually is in their process (either that, or what we are observing can give us information about where they actually are, and so we need to respect that if it is not where we wish they were). God's way is that we can't force someone to be where they are not. I mean, I hardly know where *I* am in my process and what my right next steps should be. How on earth can I know what someone else's life should look like? 🙂
[Not that I don't get stuck in thinking I know what others should do, because I do. As I have said elsewhere, I am writing in large measure because I really want these principles to stick in my cells and synapses more. It's just so easy to have so many opinions about what others should do, but really, is that any of my business?]
Have you ever read Byron Katie? She has some interesting thoughts about this that at first kind of messed with my head, but to boil it down (as I understand it), her whole point is that if someone "should" be doing something, they already *would* be doing it. When we get wrapped up in thinking about what someone "should" be doing, we are taking on an all-knowing role that we don't have knowledge to do. And when we play that role, we make our own lives miserable, tend to treat others poorly, and have less ability to be clear about what our own right next steps should be.
Her thoughts also align with 12-step ideas like "You are right where you need to be" and "Everything is on schedule." Well, if that is true for me and my messy process, that has to be true for others, too, because God is no respecter of persons. He isn't going to give *me* space and time (thanks to Jesus, He does!) to figure things out (even though sometimes I'm SO SLOW in my process and progress) ...but then validate me if expect someone to just respond to the snap of my finger when I think they should change (which I can be prone to do).
This is hard doctrine, but I think it's true and in the end makes life easier, lighter, more peaceful. And if we are more peaceful, then we have more of a possibility to have influence because peace itself is a powerful force...it channels something beyond ourselves, even God..."without compulsory means."
I think when we have knowledge of truth (or our best approximation of it), we first act on it simply to act in integrity to our own conscience. We may also decide to share what we feel and believe, but then we surrender the outcomes. Agency is the most important gift we have been given in this life, and to practice respecting it for others I think is one of the greatest tests of life. (Cells? Synapses of mine? Are you listening?....)
That idea of me wanting to retrain my brain more toward these principles reminds me of a quote I found in my journal last night. When I went to look it up just now, I didn't remember that it channeled the Serenity Prayer so closely, but I shouldn't be surprised because this message is hitting me in multiple ways right now. This is from Wayne Dyer (from a webinar I listened to a while back, so there are a couple of layers of witnesses to this idea): "Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be." And here's another: "direct [my] thoughts away from [the one doing harm] and toward the actions [I] must take now to be more empowered.] [don't know the source...I wrote the quote in my journal without the source. Alas.]
Next right thing. Just do the next right thing for YOU and let others figure out their next right things. [Cells? Synapses? I'm talking to you again!] This is all so much easier said than done. So counterintuitive, even. But agian, I do believe it is truth. Because when the student is ready, the True Teacher appears. He may appear through us or through another, but it is not on us to make people to get truth. We simply share what we know and step back and let people do what they will and let God work His wonders with individuals as they are ready for whatever right next things they are seeking to or need to learn. His timetable is the driver, though, not ours.
