When the student is ready...

I'm reading a book called A Thomas Jefferson Education. This is a book I should have read nine years ago when my first child was going to enter the charter school from which my last child just graduated. But, as the saying goes, better late than never, right?

In fact, in some ways, I think that reading the book after watching the impact of a classical, mentor-led, Socratic-discussion-driven education on my children is not necessarily a bad thing. I am not just learning the philosophy of a classical education in theory. I've seen it in practice and now have context, which I hope can help the theory to stick. And even though I do have regrets about not understanding this perspective when my children were younger, the principles within are ones I can still benefit from in my own life and use as the next generation of our family begins to emerge.

During all the efforts to try to help people "get" the reality of racism, I'm seeing a lot of disheartening unkindness being shown, mostly white-to-white. I understand why this is happening; when you feel strongly about something and others don't pick up your torch and carry it forward, or even try to snuff it out, that can be extremely frustrating. And some are asking, "OK, how do I get someone to get it?" One person in a group I'm in asked this question. This person is a teacher. Some of what I am learning from the aforementioned book came to mind. And some thoughts I've been having about how I deal with my own passions and frustrations is influencing my writing a lot, too. I am often one of those people who just wants others to "get it" instead of taking lots of steps back to consider how God works with me and what true principles show up in so many places.

Here are two different comments I wrote, edited for blog use. I'm writing right now because some concepts are getting clearer for me and I want to remember them first for myself.

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As a teacher, when a student doesn't understand something, do you label that student as ignorant, blind, clueless, or crazy? If there is ignorance, start first with seeking to understand so that you can meet the person where she is. You can't teach if you don't know where a person is. And you can't teach if you box someone in or label them or call them names. (e.g., I'm seeing people say things like, "Let me guess. That's an ignorant white woman who said that, right?")

If white people are the people who need to learn about why racism is a problem, then people trying to influence them/us need to actually care about them/us too, and try to meet them/us where they/we are, not yell at them/us for not "getting it" yet or not "doing it right."

I am seeing a lot of unkind things being said on the internet right now. It's disheartening. If you believe you are on the higher road then LIFT people there. Elevate the conversation. Gently educate. Find out where people are and why they are sharing things like this. Look for the patterns in where people are and what this may be about. If there is ignorance, care and teach, rather than tear down and criticize.

I think it's important to remember that this kind of change is not going to happen in memes and likely not going to happen on social media. People need to know they are safe and cared for if they are going to be able to hear something really different from where they are. Think of a time when you had a change of mind or heart about something significant. Usually these things take a lot of time and many experiences and bumping up against trustworthy people talking in clear and accessible and kind ways to help make true ideas more accessible and having God do His wonderful work in His time and way. Is He guiding you to be an instrument to try to influence this person in particular? If so, what does He guide you to say? If it's just a generic person to you, maybe it's not worth the effort. Or maybe you can formulate your own gentle but clear post about why a meme like this concerns you and then let people who are ready for it find it and mull over it. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Students are what drive learning, not teachers. [That's something I have learned in reading A Thomas Jefferson Education.) Mentors make learning exciting and fulfilling, in a safe place where it's okay to make mistakes and explore ideas and to sometimes not have it all figured out yet.

And truth that is shared with light will resonate with people who are ready for it.

But I honestly think a lot of people are feeling more heat than light and so memes that frustrate anti-racists are going to seem to make sense of what they are feeling. It seems counterintuitive, but I think if there is any hope of influencing people, you have to start with an increase of love and everything else that Doctrine and Covenants 121 talks about. NO influence comes from exasperated frustration or condescending eye rolling. Easier said than done. It's the nature and disposition of almost all of us to go for force rather than gentle persuasion. And it doesn't work -- and likely produces the opposite effect. I'm seeing the reality of this sad but powerful truth in another critical situation in my life and it is sobering me, so I'm writing for myself not just to respond to you. I get so exasperated, but the more exasperation I show, the more I get less of what I hope for in terms of movement and progress and communication.

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As hard as it is to accept, I don't think we make people repent. People choose to repent. I think we have to respect agency and let God work in His time and way on people. God has never had any problem letting people make mistakes for generations (not that He doesn't CARE about it, but that His plan is centered on agency and that has a high cost, to be sure. But the price has already been paid! He clearly takes the long view on things). When the student is ready, the teacher (the Teacher) appears.

Also, I think nothing motivates people to *consider* change more than love. Consider Doctrine and Covenants 121. I thought of that last night when I was commenting somewhere else but tonite I pulled out the text and read it again. Wow. Yeah, I think if there is any hope of influencing people toward true repentance -- the kind led by God, not by us -- these are the principles we have to live by. Exasperation and frustration or even deep concern about what is *wrong* (e.g., generational patterns being perpetuated) likely just gets the opposite result.

The Serenity Prayer reminds us that we take the sinful world as it is, like Jesus did, and try to do OUR own surrender process, personally, with God, trusting in the promise of a better world. Surrendering includes, I think, surrendering other people's stuff and letting that be God's to handle.

This is not saying we live lives of inaction, but rather of inspiration. I think most of the time, when we want to "help" someone else repent, that is *our* will in action, because we are trying to wrest a certain outcome out of another. But we have no idea where someone else actually is in their process (either that, or what we are observing can give us information about where they actually are, and so we need to respect that if it is not where we wish they were). God's way is that we can't force someone to be where they are not. I mean, I hardly know where *I* am in my process and what my right next steps should be. How on earth can I know what someone else's life should look like? 🙂

[Not that I don't get stuck in thinking I know what others should do, because I do. As I have said elsewhere, I am writing in large measure because I really want these principles to stick in my cells and synapses more. It's just so easy to have so many opinions about what others should do, but really, is that any of my business?]

Have you ever read Byron Katie? She has some interesting thoughts about this that at first kind of messed with my head, but to boil it down (as I understand it), her whole point is that if someone "should" be doing something, they already *would* be doing it. When we get wrapped up in thinking about what someone "should" be doing, we are taking on an all-knowing role that we don't have knowledge to do. And when we play that role, we make our own lives miserable, tend to treat others poorly, and have less ability to be clear about what our own right next steps should be.

Her thoughts also align with 12-step ideas like "You are right where you need to be" and "Everything is on schedule." Well, if that is true for me and my messy process, that has to be true for others, too, because God is no respecter of persons. He isn't going to give *me* space and time (thanks to Jesus, He does!) to figure things out (even though sometimes I'm SO SLOW in my process and progress) ...but then validate me if expect someone to just respond to the snap of my finger when I think they should change (which I can be prone to do).

This is hard doctrine, but I think it's true and in the end makes life easier, lighter, more peaceful. And if we are more peaceful, then we have more of a possibility to have influence because peace itself is a powerful force...it channels something beyond ourselves, even God..."without compulsory means."

I think when we have knowledge of truth (or our best approximation of it), we first act on it simply to act in integrity to our own conscience. We may also decide to share what we feel and believe, but then we surrender the outcomes. Agency is the most important gift we have been given in this life, and to practice respecting it for others I think is one of the greatest tests of life. (Cells? Synapses of mine? Are you listening?....)

That idea of me wanting to retrain my brain more toward these principles reminds me of a quote I found in my journal last night. When I went to look it up just now, I didn't remember that it channeled the Serenity Prayer so closely, but I shouldn't be surprised because this message is hitting me in multiple ways right now. This is from Wayne Dyer (from a webinar I listened to a while back, so there are a couple of layers of witnesses to this idea): "Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be." And here's another: "direct [my] thoughts away from [the one doing harm] and toward the actions [I] must take now to be more empowered.] [don't know the source...I wrote the quote in my journal without the source. Alas.]

Next right thing. Just do the next right thing for YOU and let others figure out their next right things. [Cells? Synapses? I'm talking to you again!] This is all so much easier said than done. So counterintuitive, even. But agian, I do believe it is truth. Because when the student is ready, the True Teacher appears. He may appear through us or through another, but it is not on us to make people to get truth. We simply share what we know and step back and let people do what they will and let God work His wonders with individuals as they are ready for whatever right next things they are seeking to or need to learn. His timetable is the driver, though, not ours.